By: Daiana Barboza
There is this new song by Sia, which is called “Swing from the Chandelier” and up until this moment I did not bother to pay attention to the lyrics. So I took the time and looked them up to understand the song better. The song brought back so many memories from a past life that I no longer belong to. Memories, which make up part of a past that continues to hurt, because there are wounds that have left scars that re-open and bleed. The lyrics go as follows: “party girls don’t get hurt, when will I learn? I push it down, push it down. Im the one for a good time call, phone’s blowing up, ringing my doorbell, I feel the love, feel the love. 1,2,3, drink…. Throw them down the light goes out…. I’m going to fly like a bird through the night, feel my tears as they dry…. ”
And so the song goes on. This was my reality a year and a half go; years which I wanted to live for the day and night where nothing mattered including my self-respect, love for myself, and my values were thrown out the window, and let’s not even mention God, I was simply too far-gone. These lyrics can have many different interpretations, depending on the individual and their life experiences. For me it brings back the memories when I was lost and with no way out, lost in a world that offered nothing, and only brought tears to my eyes.
Yes I partied, yes I was a girl who liked to have a good time, and yes I drank to drown the emptiness of my soul. The cry in my heart for hope and love were intense and many times I felt that there was no way out any more. Growing up in a Catholic home, I never understood God’s love. Perhaps I was too young to understand, yet I had the basic concepts down. In theory I knew who God was, what Jesus did for me, and what the cross and the sacraments meant. But in reality I didn’t know how much God loves me, I didn’t know his love for me and his desire for my life. Perhaps I didn’t want to know, I just wanted to do what I desired. And so I went along with the lies that the world invented and seduced me with. In all reality, all I ever really wanted was love and acceptance.
We as human beings crave love. I went along with everything I thought was normal; everything that I was told would bring me satisfaction and wholeness. Sure drinking, partying and having good time night after night brought some sort of satisfaction, but like the song says, it lasts only for one night. The next day you wake up with the ache and the pain and they continue to exist and you become more aware of the emptiness, so you do it again. Sia continues to sing; “Sun is up I’m a mess, gotta get out now, gotta run from this, here comes the shame, here comes the shame…. 1,2,3, drink…” Sia knows what comes next because we all experience it- no matter how much you want to run away from it, how much you want to hide and make it all better, you can’t do it alone. The shame consumes you. And so you continue to sink deeper and deeper. You wonder:what’s next? Why can’t I change? Why doesn’t anyone love me? Am I never going to be loved?And so the questions continue and the answer is silence. You continue to make excuses for yourself and find others culpable of your choices.
So after many nights of crying and screaming for answers, and many different paths taken, God decided to take me by the hand and bring me to the light. Oh and what a bright light it was! It was a beautiful light that showed me the dirt and the filth I was covered in. I couldn’t help but cry and cry because for the first time I was seeing the misery and the despair I was in. Yet with His tender love, He touched my face and told me how much He loves me, how precious I am to Him, and how much He suffers for me. Life changed in that moment. It’s as if time was still for that night and he opened my eyes to the truth of where I was.
St Augustine, a saint that I can relate to because he went through the same things said: “thou hast made us for thyself, O Lord, and our heart is restless, until it finds its rest in thee.” God made us for himself, because we belong to Him, because He created us in His image and likeness. Therefore no matter how hard we try to escape Him or to find Him in worldly things or in other people, our souls will never be satisfied. Nothing can take God’s place, because His love is infinite. Now when I think about all the things that I have done to hurt Him, my soul cries to know that every time I sin I say no to Him, and nail Him to the cross all over again. I continue to cry for all that I’ve done because there is a deep and massive healing process that my merciful Father is conducting in my life. The healing has made me let go of many things, of people I cared for, people I called my friends, and of worldly pleasures. In time God is showing me that I cannot rely on myself, but on Him alone. But because I have experienced God’s tender love, I would never want to replace eternal love of my heavenly father for a temporary thing or pleasure that will not last.
This is where the difference lies, in accepting the love that our Saviour wants to pour unto us. Saying Yes to following Christ has been the choice that I will never regret. Sometimes it’s hard and it means suffering with isolation from old friends and your past life haunting you at times, but I know that carrying the cross is the only way to achieving true happiness. Because true happiness is not here but in the Heavenly Father’s arms, back where we belong in our Father’s home.
Before I conclude I want to point out that if you are ashamed, hurt, suffering, or you think there is no hope for you, that your sins are too great for God, please know this: God will never stop loving you, He will never stop fighting for you, He will always be there to rescue you. There is nothing you can do for Him to leave your side because at your lowest point is when God is showering you the most with His love and mercy. He gave all of Himself for you and me, and His love is abundant and infinite. All you have to do is ask and it will be given. I thought that there was no way out, no hope for me, so I lied to myself and hurt myself; God told me otherwise. Leaving behind the drinking, emptiness and partying brought me clarity and self-reflection. You are perfect in his eyes. God is waiting for you; all you got to do is take the first step.
Font: Made 4 More Ministry
Daiana Barboza is a member of Shalom Community prayer group.